"Have you ever been in love?"

I used to think so. And I beat myself up a lot for putting myself through so much for someone. Thinking it was because I loved them and needed them back. I was so convinced it was love. But after coming to and not being a lost child I realized I never loved anyone. I never loved myself. I was a kid with no foundation. Absolutely bored with everything. I had nothing to focus myself on or spend time with or push me. Then when I started dating a guy after my sophomore year, we called it love. But it wasn’t. It was like I made him my foundation. Something to anchor me down and keep me on track. When we broke up I was like, lost again. And I did a lot of stupid shit and made him the bud end of it. And I regret it because it wasn’t. It was because I didn’t have a foundation and was looking for the next thing to be my anchor to reality. The sad thing is that now I’m ready to love someone because I love who I am I know who I am I’ve built a foundation on my own and I’d love to fall in love and have another support beam. But I ruined my chance with him because I didn’t say I wasn’t ready. Now he’s just for smoking and fooling around. And I’m ready to fall in love for real but thing is the guy I want is gone and this version of him that’s taken over is the complete opposite of who he used to be. I want the old him. So now I feel it’s all just like. Fuck. I’ve never been in love and I ruined myself thinking I was. And now that I’m ready he’s no longer what I want and I’m sad it all happened that way.